The year 2016 is soon going to bid its farewell to us. God knows what 2017 has in store for us. And for the umpteenth time, am i going to let this year be closing with the same old thought of "What the hell have i been doing with my life?". I do not wish to live life just standing still and watching life passing by as just another day goes by another day, and suddenly a damned whole year will soon end.
The truth is, I dont think I have wasted my whole 2016, I mean, I did accomplish few things, but my abysmal consistency in life did drowned my head lots more than I could count with my whole set of twenty fingers. Its like I drowned so many times, but several times I did manage to resurface.
I would be lying to say I felt nothing about the way I lived my life. I felt remorse, depressed, disappointed and ashamed altogether mixed in a giant bowl of Why Do I Let Myself Become a Loser? But I guess I died so many times that eventually I always failed to maintain feeling something about my life for more than twenty minutes.
So, 2016 is the year when:
-my cat Itam died after fighting a stupid evil venomous snake. He saved my family from that snake and was martyred instead. He was a hero, everybody cried for him. I am gonna miss him always.
-I managed to pass the depressing test PANUM and got myself to join the KoAss/Dokter Muda bandwagon
-My body dysmorphia disorder just escalated and seems to know no stop sign. There was never a time when I do not fill my head with thoughts of wanting to get thin, and God I hate my body. I am forever 24 hours always scared of how many calories i put in my body. I have given up on sweetened and colored drinks now, I only drink plain water. But when you cut down your food, then along came the nemesis called 'craving'. I am weak, I gave in to craving and binge ate food. I am ashamed and embarassed to be seen eating foods, so I usually seek for place where I wont likely to find anybody and eat foods. When I have satisfied my stupid cravings, I purged. One time, I purged till it hurt my stomach so bad I want to faint. But I felt cleansed each time I purged. Sick, I know. I am planning to do Atkins as soon as 2017 set in.
-My love for my family just get stronger and stronger. I hope we stay as one unit forever.
-I survived lots of shits and didnt lose faith and hope.
