Overcoming My Fear

I can be such a fucking scaredy cat at times. That's the downside of having a borderline personality and being an impulsive person- One time you can be a brave person that radiates nothing but confidence, and then BAM! At another time you become a tortoise hiding in its shell, so unsure of whether or not its safe to poke out its head again.

I have a weird confession to make- I used to be so appalled at the idea of going to the movies, alone. It just seemed so scary and pathetic- and can someone actually enjoy the movies and not be bugged by the tormenting crowd that's secretly judging why you're all alone? WHOA there- That's actually my anxiety speaking, lol.
Alexa, play Anxiety by Selena Gomez and Julia Michael.

But, when the times call for it, one must be brave and take desperate actions. Well in my case, its the Dumbo movie. Ok, I've written a total of four times about me not being able to watch the Dumbo movie. One was on my Instagram, the other two times I wrote in my journal and my scrapbook and the fourth would be this very entry. So, I guess that just says how very disappointed I am at missing my opportunity to watch Dumbo.
Alexa, play My Heart is Broken by Evanescence.

Dumbo was my wake-up call. I wanna watch Dumbo so fucking bad, and since I couldn't get any fuckers to watch with me, so I decided that this was it. Im gonna put on some good clothes, some lipstick and head off to the movie theater and get me those ticket, because my baby Dumbo is waiting for me. Hang on tight, baby. Im coming for you.
That was my prep talk for myself.
But when i got there, the sweet lady at the counter said that they're not playing Dumbo anymore. Please imagine my heart breaking to a thousand pieces and then the tiny pieces got smashed by Kim Kardashian's fat butt. I will leave that to your imagination.

So I got me a 7pm Avengers: Endgame movie. Either way, I had to do it, you know. I couldn't go back home with nothing. The movie was fine and enjoyable although I kept thinking about Dumbo's tears and his huge ears.
I sat next to two smelly guys with smelly jackets that emitted very strong cigarettes odor that somehow stood strong till the ending of the movie. Not to mention their constant chewing and talking. Oh yeah, the Chinese lady sitting to my right decided to doze off in the middle of the movie, and what a nice snore she produced right next to my ear.
So, was it a horrible experience?

Heck, NO! I was so proud of myself for overcoming my fear. Not only I actually landed a job as a home tutor and carried my first class well, I actually finally went to the movies, all by myself.
Though it may seem like such a silly thing to be joyous about, but hey, to me its a huge victory.
Came out of my comfort zone, and this babe likes it.     

Di Sebalik Pintu Emergency Room

Kenapa eh nak jadi doktor? Ini adalah soalan yang aku dah jawab berjuta kali. Dan berjuta kali juga jawapan aku mesti tak sama...
Aku sejujurnya tak boleh nak bagi jawapan professional macam 'Nak menyahut wawasan 2020 untuk mencapai nisbah 100 orang penduduk Malaysia untuk 1 doktor' or jawapan cliche macam 'nak tolong orang'. What the heck, it always sound pretty dumb to my ears. Kalau nak tolong orang, jadi cikgu or hakim di mahkamah pun boleh tolong orang. Tapi yang paling aku tak boleh is bagi jawapan menipu..'SEBAB SAYA MINAT MEDIC/Because I love medicine'...its golden lie if i said it.

Truth is, I had not the slightest idea what the hell did I signed up for..masa daftar kat medical school. Heck, does anyone? I didnt know yang bila-bila masa je tempoh masa belajar 5 1/2 tahun dalam surat tawaran tu boleh berubah and dipanjangkan. Aku tak pernah tahu yang course medic ni main sistem hierarchy jugak. Aku tak pernah tau yang rupanya masyarakat awam ni boleh tahan jugak cekadak susah nak bagi dia percaya kat kita. Aku tak pernah tahu yang hakikatnya, doctor ni sebenarnya dah takde job security la. Zaman dulu ye la, ko masuk sekolah perubatan keluar konpem dapat kerja.
Yang aku tau, medic memang susah. Takde klu camne nak survive, yang aku tau aku kena survive.

2017- dah menandakan genap 5 tahun lebih la aku kat bumi Indonesia ni. Dalam tempoh yang bapak lama tu, cukup banyak juta kali jugak la aku diajukan soalan bertuah cepumas tu. Jawapan aku mesti lain-lain. Kalau takde mood nak jawab, or orang yang aku tak kenal sangat aku just jawab jawapan selamat iaitu- a polite smile and a change of topic.
Because, dear God , im still in the process of finding that out too,by myself.

Kenapa woy kenapa nak jadi doktor?

Because where else in this whole wide planet, that the lessons of life were so well taught? Kat hospital lah manusia berada dalam bentuk sebenar dia. We were all stripped naked of our many layers of ego, status and whoever we were. Because di sebalik pintu hospital, you are helpless. You are a player in the game of life, and you are bounded to play by the rules of God. Nak tengok life in its most brutal pure form? Mai datang hospital.

Meh sini aku nak cerita di sebalik pintu Emergency Room. Mungkin pengalaman aku ni lain la dari yang kat Malaysia, but the thing about lessons of life is..the elements can be applied wherever you go.


Tangkal vs Doa
Aku teringat pengalaman di lab Pediatrics. Hari tu aku bertugas kat ER (Emergency Room). Ada patient around 9 or 10 years old datang dalam keadaan tak sedar. She was rolled in on a strectcher, mad fast by Team Triage. Diagnosis dia apa aku lupa dah. Tapi si budak ni dah ditangani dengan baik dari red zone, dan dapat dipindahkan ke yellow zone. Tapi si budak ni around 5.30 pm start parah balik. Maka bermula la episod aku kena bagging budak tu dengan segala kudrat aku yang belum makan and solat, untuk bagging dia sampai pukul 7 malam sebab itu time aku ganti shift dengan team berikutnya,
Dalam kekalutan semua doctors, nurses and us medical students..budak tu memang tak respon langsung. Saturation oxygen 94% mungkin sebab aku bagging. Otot-otot dia memang da lembik habis, tak de tonicity langsung-Not Good. Takde tanda pernafasan spontan. Takde tanda sirkulasi bagus, kaki dia sejuk habis. Parents dia da mundar mandir da naik katil da nak bisik kata2 semangat and bacaan ayat suci kat telinga anak dia.
Ayah dia dengan penuh tangisan air mata, usap rambut anak dia sambil panggil-panggil nama anak dia suruh datang balik..mintak dia bangun. Kalau tak salah nama dia Putri kot..ak sumpah tak ingat. Yang mak dia, muka macam dalam denying state. Tak percaya anak dia yang tadi pagi kat rumah elok je sekarang tengah terbaring atas katil hospital tu, baju tidur yang dia pakai dari rumah da kena gunting sampai bawah untuk memudahkan pemasangan chest lead and other medical actions necessary.
Tak lama lepas tu, doktor Anak panggil doktor dari Neurology Department untuk mengesahkan budak ni..you know..masih dengan kita ke tak. Aku perhatikan je la, si doktor Neuro ni buat macam-macam test kat budak ni nak check reflex dia ada lagi tak. Suluh lampu kat mata dia untuk check reflex pupil...midriasis maximal kanan, kiri belum full. Again, not good. Tangan aku time ni tak yah cerita la penat dia macam mana. Tapi aku tak berhenti sebab..harapan keluarga dia..berat weyh.
Doktor Neuro tadi sambil tu sempat kepochi sambil menunjuk ke rantai hitam yang ada kat leher budak tu. Diorang cakap- 'Oh mungkin gara-gara ini'.
Amende doe? Aku dari tadi bagging budak tu, tak perasan pulak..ingat rantai biasa je. Rupanya tangkal. OMG.
Aku tak tau budak tu survive ke tak. Sebab jam 7.00 malam aku beralih tangan ke team lepas aku. Dia sambung bagging. And aku tak tanya, mungkin sebab a part of me macam dah guess she wouldnt make it. Tapi aku takkan lupa bapak and ibu budak tu. Bapak dia meleleh-leleh air mata merayu aku tau tak if ada rumah anak yatim mana-mana dia nak mintak diorang doakan anak dia. And mak dia, tanya-tanya ke aku anak dia macam mane. Dia still berharap anak dia selamat and sempat ikut ujian apa tah. Its weird to mention your child's exam when she's clearly battling a losing battle.
Apa yang ko dapat dari cerita aku?
Manusia tu lemah wey. Dari awal, cerita kita bukan kita karang. Dari bapak dia, kita nampak that in times of desperation, kita akan cuba macam-macam cara untuk cari penyelesaian or any consolations to soothe our hearts. And dari mak dia? Mak dia kaku sangat, muka tak basah dengan air mata pun, just kerutan kebimbangan sikit je kat muka dia. Tapi tak bermakna mak dia kurang merasakan kesedihan berbanding bapak dia. We can never truly know what goes in other peoples hearts or minds. Dia tak tunjuk, tapi dalam hati dia sapa tau dah hancur berapa juta keping? She still showed hope for her daughter.
Nampak tak? Patient pediatrics memang lagi pressure dari patient geriatrics. Diorang masih muda, masih penuh dengan harapan keluarga.

Detik Terakhir Si Bapak Tua
Bila kali pertama aku tengok orang meninggal depan mata aku?
Semestinya aku takkan lupa.
Hari tu aku bertugas 24 jam kalau tak salah di bahagian Ob&Gyn. Or ER bahagian sakit puan la or ibu-ibu yang kesulitan nak bersalin. ObGyn ni kalau takde patient melangut la lu kat luar pintu dia jadah tak buat apa selain menyemak macam kutu jalan.
Ditakdirkan Tuhan, haritu memang takde patient. Aku pun duduk la kat tempat yang memang disediakan oleh pihak hospital untuk menghargai penat lelah kami which is-LANTAI.
Aku terpandang kat satu bapak ni dek kelantangan suara dia..katil dia depan ObGyn. Dia sangat mengamuk-ngamuk tak tentu pasal. Anak dia cuba nak suap makanan and pasang selimut. Tapi dia tepis-tepis anak dia. Tapi anak dia dengan penuh kesabaran still layan bapak dia.
Serious weyh...diorang sikit pun tak hilang angin dengan dia. Bapak dia complained selimut dia tak best, si anak terus tanya nurses mana nak dapat selimut baru nak ganti.
Aku pandang masa tu dengan takde perasaan pun. Macam tengok something yang biasa.
Tak lama lepas tu aku da sibuk sendiri..sampai pukul 4 pagi maybe..aku tak ingat.
TERKEJUT-aku tengok para doktor and nurses and several medical student da kerumun katil bapak tu, ada yang naik katil and dengan gigih CPR bapak tu. Yang si anak-anak da muka cam nak nangis, ada yang mula teresak-esak sebab da macam bole agak bapak dia nak pergi.
Allah Maha Esa- bapak tu meninggal akhirnya. Anak-anak dia da meraung-raung mintak bapak dia balik la..jangan tinggalkan diorang..diorang nangis sampai baring kat lantai.
Sedih wey.
TAPI- cuba bayangkan kalau anak-anak dia tadi kurang ajar or tak layan bapak dia mintak apa. Kau rasa air mata diorang nanti air mata sedih or serba salah or terkilan? Tanggungjawab kita ke ibu bapa tu forever babe, berbudi ke diorang sampai diorg on their deathbeds. Aku personally belajar banyak dari kejadian ni. Aku bersyukur and kagum anak-anak dia sikit pun tak angin dengan bapak dia, because we never know when is someone last few seconds on Earth.
Cuba ko bayangkan if anak-anak dia macam harey jadah and kurang ajar or hilang marah kat bapak dia? Menyesal tak if rupanya tak lama lepas tu dia nak pergi selamanya..rupa-rupanya.
Sebab aku pernah nampak anak seorang patient kat red zone..suruh ganti pampers bapak dia..dia lari sambil tutup hidung..konon geli, pass2 kat kami suruh kami je lah yang buat. Aku rasa bapak dia dengar anak perempuan dia cakap ape, hancur wey hati mak bapak yang da cuci taik kau masa kecik sekarang ko bajet geli pulak. Allah tu Maha Berkuasa- ditakdirkan patient tu meninggal tak lama lepas tu.
Boleh ko bandingkan kedua-dua cerita ni? Apa yang ko dapat?

Ada banyak lagi...tapi aku mengantuk nak sambung. Hope anyone yang terbaca post aku yang panjang nak mampos ni, akan belajar sesuatu.
Welcome to the Hospital, where the best lessons of life are taught daily.

The Game of Life

I dont know how to start this post, LOL. I mean, should I start with the usual greetings of Hi and Hello to God knows who.

But in case anyone's reading this...Hello to you and I hope that the day you are reading this, is actually a good day to you.

Anyway, I am kinda surprised that this is actually my first post for the year 2017, and 2017 has already began long time ago, its already the endings of April. And its a lil bit sad because I started this blog with much enthusiasm and now it seems like I only have one post per year. And I freaking love writing, so its such a shame that I went on hiatus with this blog. But I still do write, I write on my Instagram, my journal and mostly in my brain, which explains why I am easily zoned out 98% of all time.

The thing about me is, I am no rules abiding or strategy planning person, so I write like how my heart wants it and how the idea flows. I have the tendency of letting everything runs wild, and come to fix it later, if, it actually needs some fixing.

I guess, I just want to write about life, because I owe it to Life, everything I am today. And when was the last time I actually ever sat down and thank God for Life, even when Life sucks (like fucking majority of the time). 

So, this post is about you, Life. I am writing at this very moment, to celebrate the complicated entity which is Life. 

Right now,the Internet world is taken over by a Netflix show called '13 Reasons Why'. You literally couldn't be spared from seeing it all over your social media, hell, the last time I saw this phenomenon happening was when One Direction took over 2/3 of the world's population. We all obsessed over them, and now '13 Reasons Why' has come to rule over the planet. Just dont resist, and come aboard on the already overloaded bandwagon.

'13 Reasons Why' isnt like any other, It brings forward the issues that we, as the society, always try to bury in our backyards. It celebrates the very issues we got scared of discussing openly, often we shy away from them. I mean, are SUICIDE, RAPE, BULLYING, DEPRESSION, SEX (everything about sex..be it sexual orientations, sexual appeals and etc) topics that are comfortably discussed at a tea party?

But we have to start learning and accepting. Learn that it is happening to almost everybody, and how bad it is and how distraught a person must be to take his/her own life. We have gotta tone down on the judgement, and maybe, like one of the characters, namely Alex Standall says- We have gotta stop being dicks to each other.

Anyhow, I am not turning this post into '13 Reasons Why' review, which can abundantly be found on the Internet. I am just recording how much the show has affected me, how it has become the penknife that slashed open my heart, in the best way I know of..which is writing.

I remember when I was 15. It was the both the highest and lowest point of my life. I learned how it felt to be suicidal and so disappointed in Life. I hated God at that time. I remembered taking a walk and cursing God with all the bad vocabularies I knew and even looking up to the sky and shouting quietly (if u get the irony) in my heart that I did not wish for God anymore and I wanted to prove that I could live on my own, but of course that didnt last very long because I realized what a fool I was because everything I was at that time was only possible because of God. Like how the hell could I survived trying to live alone, when even the atmosphere or the cells in my body were gifts from God?

So I grew up, and stopped blaming God. But I found a new target instead to devote my anger, my disappointment to- ME myself. 

My body, my soul, my brain and everything about me were (and sometimes till today) the new favorite dartboard for me to throw onto every resentment I have about Life. It took me years to learn to accept that this is me. I learned to accept, though bits by bits slowly, that my face will always look like this. That I cant sing, or that I have a problem with letting people in my life. That I have trust issues. 

They say love is the one thing we need in life. I personally feel Faith is the better choice than Love, but whatever. I have lived the days when Love abandoned me..and its very possible to live without Love. Hell, I didnt even love me at that time. But Faith, kept me from becoming the kid that killed herself. 

So, there you go Life. I may not be your strongest or most brilliant player in your game, but I am definitely staying- until the End. 

A Letter to God

Alhamdulillah, puji syukur kat Allah for giving me today. This day im living as a fifth year medical student who is currently interning in her fourth lab; Pediatrics. Today im sitting comfortably on my super comfortable bed with a happy tummy, with a purpose to wake up to each day.

Bukan selalu dapat peluang untuk duduk and terkenangkan all the simple little things we always take for granted. Benda-benda yang selalu Allah bagi. Macam jari jemari yang sempurna untuk taip, wifi yang ok untuk buat kerja, or masa lapang untuk buat apa saja kita suka. Atau telinga yang dapat dengar bunyi guruh and hujan.

Life is truly lots of things. Life is a gift, life is also penjara bagi orang beriman. Betul, terpulang pada kitalah macam mana cara kita memilih untuk memandangnya, pilihan kita untuk jadi hamba kehidupan atau bersikeras mencorakkan hidup, take control and not drown in the many days of each passing years,

Aku dah melalui 3 labs which are Forensic, ENT, Obgyn and now currently my fourth lab is Pediatrics. Memang jalan ku masih panjang dan jauh, tapi setidaknya ak bersyukut at least aku sihat dan berjaya menghabiskan kesemua lab tu tanpa masalah besar or panjang.

Tentunya setiap lab offers me different but valuable lessons, be it a lesson of life or a chance to deepen my medical competencies. I am scared, jujur aku cakap aku sangat takut dan selalu lemas dalam keraguan. Im always in doubt of my own potentials. Tak jarang aku selalu kecewa dan marahkan diri sendiri sebab slow learner, selalu teragak-agak or tak sepandai kawan-kawan lain. Rasa marah mana perginya ilmu yang selama ni aku baca sebelum bergelar Dokter Muda? Apa yang aku dah buat dengan waktu?

Dear Allah, aku mengaku aku sesungguhnya bukan seorang hamba yang baik. Aku selalu nak macam-macam tapi jarang aku usaha betul-betul dan sering kalah dengan indah madu palsu dunia. Aku nak kurus supaya boleh pakai baju cantik-cantik, aku sering tertanya-tanya dan berfikir tentang macam mana rasanya disukai lelaki, semua yang Allah suruh jauhkan..semua pernah bersarang kat otak. Jujurnya kalau aku mati besok, memang confirm dah ada pre-booked exclusive seat for me in neraka jahannam.

Maafkan aku Allah, aku pun tak faham kenapa aku lembik lemah macam ni. Tak kuat langsung lawan lah sikit dunia ni! Maafkan aku Allah unutk kesekian kalinya, aku pun dah malu tak terkata, dah tak tahu nak letak muka di mana..asyik mohon keampunan, i keep on begging for one more chance, one more night for me to sleep in and wake up alive the next day. Tapi semurah sifat rahmah Allah bagi aku semua tu, ssemudah lagi hati busuk dan jahat aku ni kembali lemah melayang-layang dalam pelukan dunia.

Aku sayang keluarga aku, mereka tentunya salah satu nikmat terbaik Allah dah bagi. Allah, kalau masih ada sisa kebaikan yang aku lakukan, hambaMu yang kotor hina ni takut kalau disebabkan sekarat parahnya dosa dan kekotoran hati ku menyebabkan ibadah aku tak diterima, aku mohon Allah, pindahkan pahala ke ibu bapa and adik adik ku. Mudahkan urusan mereka. Semoga takde seorang dari mereka pun jadi macam aku.

Aku lah musuh ketat diriku sendiri, aku lah the Mr.Hyde to my own Dr.Jekyll. I have only myself for my own company, but my own self is also the destructing force of everything inside me. Aku takkan bahagia, aku malah sudah terbiasa membenci diri sendiri, mungkin kerana terbiasa atau lebih memilih benci dari mencipta kebahagiaan untuk diri sendiri. Sebab aku tak layak untuk satu ounce pun segala perkara baik or kebahagiaan dalam dunia ni, apatah lagi rahmah Allah.

I hope dear God, i hope Allah tak benci dan putuskan aku dari Mu. If not, at least save my family.

OCD- Jangan Di'Hipster'kan

Salam.

Lately, banyak orang suka declare diri as having OCD. Mungkin ye, mungkin tak. Somehow, I felt like people did that on purpose because its suddenly 'cool and hipster' if you have OCD. I think it did injustice to people yang memang ada OCD. Suddenly kalau betul-betul kau ada OCD, people dont take it seriously, sebab hampir 'semua' orang ada OCD. "Biasa la tu." You people are turning OCD into a teenager's lingo or something. :(

Let me walk you through what OCD is.

OCD or Obsessive Compulsive Disorder isnt a disease but like its name, its rather a 'disorder'. What is the difference between a disorder and a disease?

Disease: a definite pathological process having a characteristic set of signs and symptoms.  It may affect the whole body or any of its parts, and its etiology, pathology, and prognosis may be known or unknown

Disorder: a derangement or abnormality of function; a morbid physical or mental state

Maka, panggil lah OCD as gangguan bukan penyakit. Pada suatu penyakit perjalanan timbul nya jelas, beserta gejala yang zahir. Bagaimanapun, konsep 'disease' and 'disorder' ni digunakan secara interchangeably dalam dunia perubatan. Dua dua pun berkongsi matlamat yang sama: to prevent, to control the impact on life quality, to find the cure. 

Aku mula-mula ada OCD waktu umur 5 atau 6 tahun. I still remember I started to have fear, and anxious about my family getting harmed or dead or fingers cut off and then having this unexplainable need to touch things 7 times. Aku mesti tutup lampu 7 kali, or else aku rasa nanti something bad will happen dekat everyone. If aku lupa, aku akan start over. Semua tu aku buat dengan penuh cautious, anxious and tak faham kenapa, i just have to do it. Masa tu aku tau ini pelik, come on lah, Stop it- by it just keep on dissolving in myself. Aku ingat asyik kena 'sayang' bear and segala mainan aku sama rata, sama kali (selalunya 7 kenapa tah la 7) kalau tak aku rasa nyawa semua orang dalam bahaya. Sometimes aku tau itu tak logik dan pelik, tapi aku takut nak share my weird thoughts and plus that time aku rasa its something i have to do. Ada masa, aku habiskan waktu fikir pasal kematian and other bad stuff and then lari turun tangga to check my families are still alive. Masa adik aku ke asrama, aku pesan buat apa-apa hati-hati jangan sampai jari putus. Bila dia balik rumah, i remembered rasa lega and comforted sebab first thing i checked- he still  have his fingers. Bodo. 

Aku dan perasaan ingin menyentuh memang solid hubungannya. Aku selalu catch myself touching and wanting to touch things. Masa kecik, aku suka kumpul kotak. All sizes of kotak- aku akan bersih and rapikan pastu aku susun dalam plastik. Orang ingat ah- budak kecik, suka main sampah. Tapi sebenarnya aku cukup suka- kotak sangat perfect, segi dia, line dia- everything is so arranged and symmetrical, and perfect. Kotak sangat PERFECT. It gives me this weird satisfaction menyentuh kotak- permukaan dan sisi dia. Antara salah satu sebab aku suka buku. Buku is like kotak. I love touching and tapping my fingers on books. 

Forbidden thoughts- ini umpama bukak pekung di dada., aku taknak elaborate banyak-banyak. Aku paling stress dan malu dengan benda ni. Jijik dengan diri sendiri. But I cant help it. It just forms in my head- everyday, every few minutes. Ramai orang tegur aku selalu termenung- im not termenung, ada something sinister, disgusting, repulsive yang masuk otak aku. Stress dan malu that I can think of such heinous thing. Selalu aku akan fikir pasal benda lain to stop it. 

Aku dan social life- is something I stressed about. Aku sangat takut orang find out pasal benda-benda yang memalukan dan make me feel worthless. I wish I  am NOT like this at all. I am scared they will look through me and see these bad things. Sebab tu, aku tak suka terlalu rapat- baik rapat as kawan rapat or body contacts yang rapat. I am uncomfortable dengan people's body. Contamination. Aku benci public toilet. Macam mana kalau aku terjangkit germs yang ada? Shaking hands.. Tapi semakin dewasa, bab yang ni agak berkurang. Sebaliknya fikiran aku yang semakin teruk. 

Antara comorbid OCD adalah body dysmorphic disorder (BDD), mood and anxiety and ADHD. Now, I'm not sure whether my inability to stay put reading or listening or sitting in class for too long makes me an ADHD sufferer. I guess to confirm that, I need to see a qualified physician. As for mood and anxiety, I always carry it around with me all my life. It lives in me. Body dysmorphic disorder- this i started developing when i was a teenager. I hate me. But I get supports from my family, so sometimes I am OK- and i think it gradually lessen. Although this too, kena dapatkan opinion from a certified physician. 

Orang selalu fikir OCD is doing something pembersih do. Like basuh pinggan and stuff. Its a lot diverse than that. It comes in pair- obsessing and compulsing. Aku tak tau la nak cakap macam mana- benda ni buat aku stress and cemas. Aku malu, benci, rasa nak marah- i have insecurities too ugly im scared orang akan find out. 

OCD ni boleh berubah-ubah seiring perjalanan waktu. Aku dah tak menyentuh 7 kali sebab aku dah kurang fikir pasal bad stuff happening to my family. Instead aku salurkan ke doa banyak kali. And checking they are OK through phone. Tapi aku masih kumpul kotak sampai sekarang. It becomes more of a habit daripada obsessing. Aku masih takutkan germs, virus, bacteria- haritu aku ke klinik khas untuk HIV patients- my nightmare- habis sentuh satu fail aku basuh tangan. Sampai kering. Buat kerja dengan panik dan cemas. Stress- sebab takut, sebab benci, sebab malu aku kan nak jadi doktor, apa ni?? 

Cuma aku kesal dengan fikiran-fikiran aku sampai sekarang masih mengganggu aku. Yang dalam otak susah aku nak kawal. Tapi banyak benda dah tak seteruk time aku kecik dan remaja dulu. BDD dah hadiahkan aku gastrik. Tapi bila aku dikelilingi orang yang sayang aku- aku kurang fikir pasal badan and diri aku- mungkin sebab penerimaan diorang buat aku lebih hargai diri sendiri. 

Tu je. Aku cuma nak tegak kan my symptoms maybe tak seteruk yang severe OCD, tapi i think i speak for people with mild, moderate and severe OCD out there jangan 'hipster' kan OCD. Selalu aku tengok orang cakap; 'Eh jangan letak baju ko kat situ, aku ada OCD sikit' cakap je la ko tak suka sepah. Atau bila orang bercerita, you disregard it and take it lightly as 'ah sama la tu. aku pun kadang-kadang OCD sikit'. Apa tu OCD sikit? 

      

Person of Words

I never get all the hype about labelling oneself as either extrovert or introvert. Apparently, a mixture of both extrovert and introvert personalities is known as the 'omnivert'. Great, all the more reasons to try all those self-acclaiming to be accurate online quizzes. Because, why not let the internet tells you who you are? I have actually seen a girl sulked because an online quiz told her, she is an introvert. As if, being introvert is the new Black Plague or something.

So I googled 'introvert' and 'extrovert':

                     Introvert: a shy, reticent person

                     Extrovert: an outgoing, overtly expressive persons.

I think I associate to the meaning of extrovert more. I do have this pathological need to express myself so, so much and if I'm not smitten with dark thoughts- I am that loud, jovial, annoying person who never runs out of things to say, to the extend that I need to get a control of myself and to shut up already. I get myself charged from socializing with people. 

As you can see, I am a person of words- be it verbal or written. And this blog, I hope to fill it with words so expressive that they can walk me over back to the many times of my life, that I might forget sometimes.