I can be such a fucking scaredy cat at times. That's the downside of having a borderline personality and being an impulsive person- One time you can be a brave person that radiates nothing but confidence, and then BAM! At another time you become a tortoise hiding in its shell, so unsure of whether or not its safe to poke out its head again.
I have a weird confession to make- I used to be so appalled at the idea of going to the movies, alone. It just seemed so scary and pathetic- and can someone actually enjoy the movies and not be bugged by the tormenting crowd that's secretly judging why you're all alone? WHOA there- That's actually my anxiety speaking, lol.
Alexa, play Anxiety by Selena Gomez and Julia Michael.
But, when the times call for it, one must be brave and take desperate actions. Well in my case, its the Dumbo movie. Ok, I've written a total of four times about me not being able to watch the Dumbo movie. One was on my Instagram, the other two times I wrote in my journal and my scrapbook and the fourth would be this very entry. So, I guess that just says how very disappointed I am at missing my opportunity to watch Dumbo.
Alexa, play My Heart is Broken by Evanescence.
Dumbo was my wake-up call. I wanna watch Dumbo so fucking bad, and since I couldn't get any fuckers to watch with me, so I decided that this was it. Im gonna put on some good clothes, some lipstick and head off to the movie theater and get me those ticket, because my baby Dumbo is waiting for me. Hang on tight, baby. Im coming for you.
That was my prep talk for myself.
But when i got there, the sweet lady at the counter said that they're not playing Dumbo anymore. Please imagine my heart breaking to a thousand pieces and then the tiny pieces got smashed by Kim Kardashian's fat butt. I will leave that to your imagination.
So I got me a 7pm Avengers: Endgame movie. Either way, I had to do it, you know. I couldn't go back home with nothing. The movie was fine and enjoyable although I kept thinking about Dumbo's tears and his huge ears.
I sat next to two smelly guys with smelly jackets that emitted very strong cigarettes odor that somehow stood strong till the ending of the movie. Not to mention their constant chewing and talking. Oh yeah, the Chinese lady sitting to my right decided to doze off in the middle of the movie, and what a nice snore she produced right next to my ear.
So, was it a horrible experience?
Heck, NO! I was so proud of myself for overcoming my fear. Not only I actually landed a job as a home tutor and carried my first class well, I actually finally went to the movies, all by myself.
Though it may seem like such a silly thing to be joyous about, but hey, to me its a huge victory.
Came out of my comfort zone, and this babe likes it.
Thursday, 25 April 2019
Thursday, 6 December 2018
My sister Angah
Assalamualaikum and hello. This blog is actually meant to be like my own time capsule, so that i can come here whenever i wanted to revisit the memories or simply to have a good laugh at how silly i was back then.
Made a new post label today, i named it 'Love'. geli hati bodo mengenangkan ak ni da semakin tua rupanya, terjebak jugak dengan kejiwangan nih...eww dulu2 bukan main angkat sumpah berikrar ak x percaya dengan segala macam kehanatan LOVE ni. Jijik anjir hahahaah. Pergh, bahasa.... padahal baru nak buat tribute for my sister.
I have only one sister, and two brothers but those two jerkins deserve a whole page written bout them. This entry is about Angah, the source of delight and warmth for our family. Sejujurnya Angah memiliki hati yang besar, kebaikan dia tu banyak kali la buat ak muhasabah hati ak yg mereput dgn kebusukan ni. Ada bende yg Angah buat, ak mengaku ak sendiri mungkin tak mampu berkorban sebanyak tu. She always take care of us, always.
Ini Angah, :))))
Tau tak, masa kecik ak pernah buat cubaan membunuh ke atas seekor Angah. Like a lot of times. Hempas jari dia kat kereta, ketuk mulut dia pakai bateri masa dia dalam buaian, da besar sikit angah akan ikut ak main permainan bahaya2 sebab ak ni sejenis explorer..smpai tertoreh tangan pakai pisau. Sian Angah..hadehh. Tak tau la sebab ak ni jeles ke ada adik or that Angah cantik dari aku dengan rambut lurus nye, dengan radiant personality nye and not to mention her big heart, or that im simply just a psychopathic kid. Dah besar ni tak la weh, ak benci kot kekerasan. Peace brutha!
Angah ni, if i have to pick a word to describe her- i would definitely go with Big Heart. Indeed, she has a very big heart. She's like this fluffy bear that carries around a basket full of hearts and hugs. Angah takde masalah nak kamceng dengan sapa2 walaupun baru jumpa, takde masalah nak tolong orang- even bend over backwards to help those who's actually undeserving of her warmth and kindness.
Tapi, apabila kau mudah mencintai, kau lebih senang terlukai dan dilukai.
Betul wey. Angah ni mmg the opposite of me. Aku cold bish, angah basically walk around with love and sunshine. Tapi sebab tu jugak Angah dah berjumpa dengan banyak orang babun setan yang buat dia, melukakan dia. Basically made her days gloomy, stole her happiness. Memang syaitan la wa cakap lu. No need to go into the details kot, sebab ak sendiri pun sakit hati. Im just thankful Angah bounced back, jadi diri dia yang happy balik after all that calamity.
Rumah pun sebenarnya lebih ceria bila kau ada Ngah. Hahah, dengan macam2 la resepi ko, cubaan bakery ko. Buat kek la biskut la. Ngah memang gifted bab masak masak ni. Aku rasa ak rajin pun maybe sbb termotivasi oleh kau hahahh.
Ngah- macam2 dah ko lalui. Im just really thankful akhirnya your life turned OK gila, finally its sunny again in your world. Ada org yg sayang n jaga ko, yg terima ko seadanya. Ak doakan jodoh korang sampai bila2. And may it continues to be sunny in Angah's life.
Ak x reti sweet2 ni kalau face to face ke or live ke. Sebab ak ada masalah dengan ewww emotions la bla2. Kalau2 ko terbaca ni, just know im so proud of u, so thankful ada kau. And selalu mendoakan kau. And i lap yuuuu.
Made a new post label today, i named it 'Love'. geli hati bodo mengenangkan ak ni da semakin tua rupanya, terjebak jugak dengan kejiwangan nih...eww dulu2 bukan main angkat sumpah berikrar ak x percaya dengan segala macam kehanatan LOVE ni. Jijik anjir hahahaah. Pergh, bahasa.... padahal baru nak buat tribute for my sister.
I have only one sister, and two brothers but those two jerkins deserve a whole page written bout them. This entry is about Angah, the source of delight and warmth for our family. Sejujurnya Angah memiliki hati yang besar, kebaikan dia tu banyak kali la buat ak muhasabah hati ak yg mereput dgn kebusukan ni. Ada bende yg Angah buat, ak mengaku ak sendiri mungkin tak mampu berkorban sebanyak tu. She always take care of us, always.
Ini Angah, :))))
Tau tak, masa kecik ak pernah buat cubaan membunuh ke atas seekor Angah. Like a lot of times. Hempas jari dia kat kereta, ketuk mulut dia pakai bateri masa dia dalam buaian, da besar sikit angah akan ikut ak main permainan bahaya2 sebab ak ni sejenis explorer..smpai tertoreh tangan pakai pisau. Sian Angah..hadehh. Tak tau la sebab ak ni jeles ke ada adik or that Angah cantik dari aku dengan rambut lurus nye, dengan radiant personality nye and not to mention her big heart, or that im simply just a psychopathic kid. Dah besar ni tak la weh, ak benci kot kekerasan. Peace brutha!
Angah ni, if i have to pick a word to describe her- i would definitely go with Big Heart. Indeed, she has a very big heart. She's like this fluffy bear that carries around a basket full of hearts and hugs. Angah takde masalah nak kamceng dengan sapa2 walaupun baru jumpa, takde masalah nak tolong orang- even bend over backwards to help those who's actually undeserving of her warmth and kindness.
Tapi, apabila kau mudah mencintai, kau lebih senang terlukai dan dilukai.
Betul wey. Angah ni mmg the opposite of me. Aku cold bish, angah basically walk around with love and sunshine. Tapi sebab tu jugak Angah dah berjumpa dengan banyak orang babun setan yang buat dia, melukakan dia. Basically made her days gloomy, stole her happiness. Memang syaitan la wa cakap lu. No need to go into the details kot, sebab ak sendiri pun sakit hati. Im just thankful Angah bounced back, jadi diri dia yang happy balik after all that calamity.
Rumah pun sebenarnya lebih ceria bila kau ada Ngah. Hahah, dengan macam2 la resepi ko, cubaan bakery ko. Buat kek la biskut la. Ngah memang gifted bab masak masak ni. Aku rasa ak rajin pun maybe sbb termotivasi oleh kau hahahh.
Ngah- macam2 dah ko lalui. Im just really thankful akhirnya your life turned OK gila, finally its sunny again in your world. Ada org yg sayang n jaga ko, yg terima ko seadanya. Ak doakan jodoh korang sampai bila2. And may it continues to be sunny in Angah's life.
Ak x reti sweet2 ni kalau face to face ke or live ke. Sebab ak ada masalah dengan ewww emotions la bla2. Kalau2 ko terbaca ni, just know im so proud of u, so thankful ada kau. And selalu mendoakan kau. And i lap yuuuu.
Wednesday, 7 June 2017
Tips Nak Survive as a Foreign Medical Student in Indonesia
Assalamualaikum semua, to sesiapa je lah yang baca entry ni.
Aku sedia maklum sebenarnya yang blog aku ni skala syok sendiri dia memang 10/10. Tapi ada aku kisah jumlah viewer sikit pun, yang penting aku ada memberi manfaat kat sesiapa yang terbaca benda ni.
Alkisahnya, aku tadi bukak blog and ada comment baru pulak kat entry aku yang paling top which is 'Studying Medicine in Indonesia'..tak putus-putus..alhamdulillah, masih ramai rupanya yang nak belajar medic ni walaupun keadaan kat negara kita dah tak seindah dulu.
So, why not aku buat entry pulak kan pasal camne nak survive kat Indonesia, as a medical student. Bersempena dengan tahun terakhir aku kat Indonesia, da nak sampai penghujung da..tak sabarnya but at the same time takut dan curiga dengan kemampuan diri.
Semoga bermanfaat, okayh. Aku bubuh banyak gambar biar tak heavy.
1) First..hormat adat and budaya diorang, walaupun at some point it made no sense to you at all or sampai rasa annoying. Try untuk menghargai kesempatan yang Tuhan da bagi untuk kita dapat merantau and belajar cara orang lain hidup. Baru kita tau bersyukur kan. You as a medical student lagila kena ikhlas nak tolong diorang, tolak tepi dulu semua isu racist ke amende2 lah. They need us and we need them. Siapa la doktor tanpa patients kan?
Aku sedia maklum sebenarnya yang blog aku ni skala syok sendiri dia memang 10/10. Tapi ada aku kisah jumlah viewer sikit pun, yang penting aku ada memberi manfaat kat sesiapa yang terbaca benda ni.
Alkisahnya, aku tadi bukak blog and ada comment baru pulak kat entry aku yang paling top which is 'Studying Medicine in Indonesia'..tak putus-putus..alhamdulillah, masih ramai rupanya yang nak belajar medic ni walaupun keadaan kat negara kita dah tak seindah dulu.
So, why not aku buat entry pulak kan pasal camne nak survive kat Indonesia, as a medical student. Bersempena dengan tahun terakhir aku kat Indonesia, da nak sampai penghujung da..tak sabarnya but at the same time takut dan curiga dengan kemampuan diri.
Semoga bermanfaat, okayh. Aku bubuh banyak gambar biar tak heavy.
1) First..hormat adat and budaya diorang, walaupun at some point it made no sense to you at all or sampai rasa annoying. Try untuk menghargai kesempatan yang Tuhan da bagi untuk kita dapat merantau and belajar cara orang lain hidup. Baru kita tau bersyukur kan. You as a medical student lagila kena ikhlas nak tolong diorang, tolak tepi dulu semua isu racist ke amende2 lah. They need us and we need them. Siapa la doktor tanpa patients kan?
Ini masa aku ada macam bakti sosial la. Tengok wajah bebudak ni. diorang ni la masa depan sebuah negara
2) STEP OUT OF YOUR COMFORT ZONE
Kalau dulu mak sediakan makan pakai, sekarang kena kuatkan hati and disiplinkan diri untuk belajar uruskan diri sendiri. Kalau dulu tak reti nak masak, sekarang la masanya. Lagipun konpem ko rindu gila dengan masakan Malaysia, nak tak nak kena la belajar-belajar masak. Ala, resepi google berlambak kot. Masa ni la ko akan nampak kehandalan kawan2 ko bab memasak ni. Takkan ko nak jadi the only one yang tak gheti-gheti nak masak.
Masa kat Indonesia ni la ak rasa banyak 'kali pertama'. Aku belajar bawak motor first time kat Indonesia, aku belajar masak pun first time kat sini, aku try jadi ketua untuk decoration bahagian kaum Melayu untuk Culture Nite pun kat sini. Try pakai contact lens, try berenang, first time snorkelling and banyak lagi la. Rugi ko tak nak keluar dari acuan yang da bertahun-tahun ko pakai, dari Malaysia lagi. Aku rasa kalau aku still duduk malaysia konpem aku tak berkembang, still cari kawan-kawan dari spesies yang sama, buat benda yg sama, still penakut tak try macam-macam...or maybe aku try sebab aku ni dari golongan manusia jenis nak mencuba, tapi maybe tak seluas or se daring kat Indonesia ni.
Trust me, ini la peluang keemasan nak re-invent yourself. Jadi orang baru, kawan dengan orang yang memang ko rasa ko takkan kawan pun kalau bukan sebab study sama-sama... Indonesia is the perfect place to start all over and write a whole new story.
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Have fun and mingle dengan semua orang but pandai-pandai la pilih orang kita nak dekat. Paling penting step out of your comfort zone. Aku tak sangka pun akan jadi orang macam ni, Kalau dulu hitam cekadak tangkap gambar pun tak nak la, sekarang i can smile, confident yang penting. |
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Be silly, be happy. Aku rasa kalau kat Malaysia konpem aku tak berani punya tangkap gambar macam2 |
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Snorkelling first walaupun I tak tau berenang langsung...STEP OUT OF YOUR COMFORT ZONE |
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Ini la kawan2 aku kat sini ..I am the one in the white shirt and black onesie. Kat sini la I made my first non-Malays friends and I am super glad I met these people
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Saturday, 20 May 2017
Di Sebalik Pintu Emergency Room
Kenapa eh nak jadi doktor? Ini adalah soalan yang aku dah jawab berjuta kali. Dan berjuta kali juga jawapan aku mesti tak sama...
Aku sejujurnya tak boleh nak bagi jawapan professional macam 'Nak menyahut wawasan 2020 untuk mencapai nisbah 100 orang penduduk Malaysia untuk 1 doktor' or jawapan cliche macam 'nak tolong orang'. What the heck, it always sound pretty dumb to my ears. Kalau nak tolong orang, jadi cikgu or hakim di mahkamah pun boleh tolong orang. Tapi yang paling aku tak boleh is bagi jawapan menipu..'SEBAB SAYA MINAT MEDIC/Because I love medicine'...its golden lie if i said it.
Truth is, I had not the slightest idea what the hell did I signed up for..masa daftar kat medical school. Heck, does anyone? I didnt know yang bila-bila masa je tempoh masa belajar 5 1/2 tahun dalam surat tawaran tu boleh berubah and dipanjangkan. Aku tak pernah tahu yang course medic ni main sistem hierarchy jugak. Aku tak pernah tau yang rupanya masyarakat awam ni boleh tahan jugak cekadak susah nak bagi dia percaya kat kita. Aku tak pernah tahu yang hakikatnya, doctor ni sebenarnya dah takde job security la. Zaman dulu ye la, ko masuk sekolah perubatan keluar konpem dapat kerja.
Yang aku tau, medic memang susah. Takde klu camne nak survive, yang aku tau aku kena survive.
2017- dah menandakan genap 5 tahun lebih la aku kat bumi Indonesia ni. Dalam tempoh yang bapak lama tu, cukup banyak juta kali jugak la aku diajukan soalan bertuah cepumas tu. Jawapan aku mesti lain-lain. Kalau takde mood nak jawab, or orang yang aku tak kenal sangat aku just jawab jawapan selamat iaitu- a polite smile and a change of topic.
Because, dear God , im still in the process of finding that out too,by myself.
Kenapa woy kenapa nak jadi doktor?
Because where else in this whole wide planet, that the lessons of life were so well taught? Kat hospital lah manusia berada dalam bentuk sebenar dia. We were all stripped naked of our many layers of ego, status and whoever we were. Because di sebalik pintu hospital, you are helpless. You are a player in the game of life, and you are bounded to play by the rules of God. Nak tengok life in its most brutal pure form? Mai datang hospital.
Meh sini aku nak cerita di sebalik pintu Emergency Room. Mungkin pengalaman aku ni lain la dari yang kat Malaysia, but the thing about lessons of life is..the elements can be applied wherever you go.
Tangkal vs Doa
Aku teringat pengalaman di lab Pediatrics. Hari tu aku bertugas kat ER (Emergency Room). Ada patient around 9 or 10 years old datang dalam keadaan tak sedar. She was rolled in on a strectcher, mad fast by Team Triage. Diagnosis dia apa aku lupa dah. Tapi si budak ni dah ditangani dengan baik dari red zone, dan dapat dipindahkan ke yellow zone. Tapi si budak ni around 5.30 pm start parah balik. Maka bermula la episod aku kena bagging budak tu dengan segala kudrat aku yang belum makan and solat, untuk bagging dia sampai pukul 7 malam sebab itu time aku ganti shift dengan team berikutnya,
Dalam kekalutan semua doctors, nurses and us medical students..budak tu memang tak respon langsung. Saturation oxygen 94% mungkin sebab aku bagging. Otot-otot dia memang da lembik habis, tak de tonicity langsung-Not Good. Takde tanda pernafasan spontan. Takde tanda sirkulasi bagus, kaki dia sejuk habis. Parents dia da mundar mandir da naik katil da nak bisik kata2 semangat and bacaan ayat suci kat telinga anak dia.
Ayah dia dengan penuh tangisan air mata, usap rambut anak dia sambil panggil-panggil nama anak dia suruh datang balik..mintak dia bangun. Kalau tak salah nama dia Putri kot..ak sumpah tak ingat. Yang mak dia, muka macam dalam denying state. Tak percaya anak dia yang tadi pagi kat rumah elok je sekarang tengah terbaring atas katil hospital tu, baju tidur yang dia pakai dari rumah da kena gunting sampai bawah untuk memudahkan pemasangan chest lead and other medical actions necessary.
Tak lama lepas tu, doktor Anak panggil doktor dari Neurology Department untuk mengesahkan budak ni..you know..masih dengan kita ke tak. Aku perhatikan je la, si doktor Neuro ni buat macam-macam test kat budak ni nak check reflex dia ada lagi tak. Suluh lampu kat mata dia untuk check reflex pupil...midriasis maximal kanan, kiri belum full. Again, not good. Tangan aku time ni tak yah cerita la penat dia macam mana. Tapi aku tak berhenti sebab..harapan keluarga dia..berat weyh.
Doktor Neuro tadi sambil tu sempat kepochi sambil menunjuk ke rantai hitam yang ada kat leher budak tu. Diorang cakap- 'Oh mungkin gara-gara ini'.
Amende doe? Aku dari tadi bagging budak tu, tak perasan pulak..ingat rantai biasa je. Rupanya tangkal. OMG.
Aku tak tau budak tu survive ke tak. Sebab jam 7.00 malam aku beralih tangan ke team lepas aku. Dia sambung bagging. And aku tak tanya, mungkin sebab a part of me macam dah guess she wouldnt make it. Tapi aku takkan lupa bapak and ibu budak tu. Bapak dia meleleh-leleh air mata merayu aku tau tak if ada rumah anak yatim mana-mana dia nak mintak diorang doakan anak dia. And mak dia, tanya-tanya ke aku anak dia macam mane. Dia still berharap anak dia selamat and sempat ikut ujian apa tah. Its weird to mention your child's exam when she's clearly battling a losing battle.
Apa yang ko dapat dari cerita aku?
Manusia tu lemah wey. Dari awal, cerita kita bukan kita karang. Dari bapak dia, kita nampak that in times of desperation, kita akan cuba macam-macam cara untuk cari penyelesaian or any consolations to soothe our hearts. And dari mak dia? Mak dia kaku sangat, muka tak basah dengan air mata pun, just kerutan kebimbangan sikit je kat muka dia. Tapi tak bermakna mak dia kurang merasakan kesedihan berbanding bapak dia. We can never truly know what goes in other peoples hearts or minds. Dia tak tunjuk, tapi dalam hati dia sapa tau dah hancur berapa juta keping? She still showed hope for her daughter.
Nampak tak? Patient pediatrics memang lagi pressure dari patient geriatrics. Diorang masih muda, masih penuh dengan harapan keluarga.
Detik Terakhir Si Bapak Tua
Bila kali pertama aku tengok orang meninggal depan mata aku?
Semestinya aku takkan lupa.
Hari tu aku bertugas 24 jam kalau tak salah di bahagian Ob&Gyn. Or ER bahagian sakit puan la or ibu-ibu yang kesulitan nak bersalin. ObGyn ni kalau takde patient melangut la lu kat luar pintu dia jadah tak buat apa selain menyemak macam kutu jalan.
Ditakdirkan Tuhan, haritu memang takde patient. Aku pun duduk la kat tempat yang memang disediakan oleh pihak hospital untuk menghargai penat lelah kami which is-LANTAI.
Aku terpandang kat satu bapak ni dek kelantangan suara dia..katil dia depan ObGyn. Dia sangat mengamuk-ngamuk tak tentu pasal. Anak dia cuba nak suap makanan and pasang selimut. Tapi dia tepis-tepis anak dia. Tapi anak dia dengan penuh kesabaran still layan bapak dia.
Serious weyh...diorang sikit pun tak hilang angin dengan dia. Bapak dia complained selimut dia tak best, si anak terus tanya nurses mana nak dapat selimut baru nak ganti.
Aku pandang masa tu dengan takde perasaan pun. Macam tengok something yang biasa.
Tak lama lepas tu aku da sibuk sendiri..sampai pukul 4 pagi maybe..aku tak ingat.
TERKEJUT-aku tengok para doktor and nurses and several medical student da kerumun katil bapak tu, ada yang naik katil and dengan gigih CPR bapak tu. Yang si anak-anak da muka cam nak nangis, ada yang mula teresak-esak sebab da macam bole agak bapak dia nak pergi.
Allah Maha Esa- bapak tu meninggal akhirnya. Anak-anak dia da meraung-raung mintak bapak dia balik la..jangan tinggalkan diorang..diorang nangis sampai baring kat lantai.
Sedih wey.
TAPI- cuba bayangkan kalau anak-anak dia tadi kurang ajar or tak layan bapak dia mintak apa. Kau rasa air mata diorang nanti air mata sedih or serba salah or terkilan? Tanggungjawab kita ke ibu bapa tu forever babe, berbudi ke diorang sampai diorg on their deathbeds. Aku personally belajar banyak dari kejadian ni. Aku bersyukur and kagum anak-anak dia sikit pun tak angin dengan bapak dia, because we never know when is someone last few seconds on Earth.
Cuba ko bayangkan if anak-anak dia macam harey jadah and kurang ajar or hilang marah kat bapak dia? Menyesal tak if rupanya tak lama lepas tu dia nak pergi selamanya..rupa-rupanya.
Sebab aku pernah nampak anak seorang patient kat red zone..suruh ganti pampers bapak dia..dia lari sambil tutup hidung..konon geli, pass2 kat kami suruh kami je lah yang buat. Aku rasa bapak dia dengar anak perempuan dia cakap ape, hancur wey hati mak bapak yang da cuci taik kau masa kecik sekarang ko bajet geli pulak. Allah tu Maha Berkuasa- ditakdirkan patient tu meninggal tak lama lepas tu.
Boleh ko bandingkan kedua-dua cerita ni? Apa yang ko dapat?
Ada banyak lagi...tapi aku mengantuk nak sambung. Hope anyone yang terbaca post aku yang panjang nak mampos ni, akan belajar sesuatu.
Welcome to the Hospital, where the best lessons of life are taught daily.
Aku sejujurnya tak boleh nak bagi jawapan professional macam 'Nak menyahut wawasan 2020 untuk mencapai nisbah 100 orang penduduk Malaysia untuk 1 doktor' or jawapan cliche macam 'nak tolong orang'. What the heck, it always sound pretty dumb to my ears. Kalau nak tolong orang, jadi cikgu or hakim di mahkamah pun boleh tolong orang. Tapi yang paling aku tak boleh is bagi jawapan menipu..'SEBAB SAYA MINAT MEDIC/Because I love medicine'...its golden lie if i said it.
Truth is, I had not the slightest idea what the hell did I signed up for..masa daftar kat medical school. Heck, does anyone? I didnt know yang bila-bila masa je tempoh masa belajar 5 1/2 tahun dalam surat tawaran tu boleh berubah and dipanjangkan. Aku tak pernah tahu yang course medic ni main sistem hierarchy jugak. Aku tak pernah tau yang rupanya masyarakat awam ni boleh tahan jugak cekadak susah nak bagi dia percaya kat kita. Aku tak pernah tahu yang hakikatnya, doctor ni sebenarnya dah takde job security la. Zaman dulu ye la, ko masuk sekolah perubatan keluar konpem dapat kerja.
Yang aku tau, medic memang susah. Takde klu camne nak survive, yang aku tau aku kena survive.
2017- dah menandakan genap 5 tahun lebih la aku kat bumi Indonesia ni. Dalam tempoh yang bapak lama tu, cukup banyak juta kali jugak la aku diajukan soalan bertuah cepumas tu. Jawapan aku mesti lain-lain. Kalau takde mood nak jawab, or orang yang aku tak kenal sangat aku just jawab jawapan selamat iaitu- a polite smile and a change of topic.
Because, dear God , im still in the process of finding that out too,by myself.
Kenapa woy kenapa nak jadi doktor?
Because where else in this whole wide planet, that the lessons of life were so well taught? Kat hospital lah manusia berada dalam bentuk sebenar dia. We were all stripped naked of our many layers of ego, status and whoever we were. Because di sebalik pintu hospital, you are helpless. You are a player in the game of life, and you are bounded to play by the rules of God. Nak tengok life in its most brutal pure form? Mai datang hospital.
Meh sini aku nak cerita di sebalik pintu Emergency Room. Mungkin pengalaman aku ni lain la dari yang kat Malaysia, but the thing about lessons of life is..the elements can be applied wherever you go.
Tangkal vs Doa
Aku teringat pengalaman di lab Pediatrics. Hari tu aku bertugas kat ER (Emergency Room). Ada patient around 9 or 10 years old datang dalam keadaan tak sedar. She was rolled in on a strectcher, mad fast by Team Triage. Diagnosis dia apa aku lupa dah. Tapi si budak ni dah ditangani dengan baik dari red zone, dan dapat dipindahkan ke yellow zone. Tapi si budak ni around 5.30 pm start parah balik. Maka bermula la episod aku kena bagging budak tu dengan segala kudrat aku yang belum makan and solat, untuk bagging dia sampai pukul 7 malam sebab itu time aku ganti shift dengan team berikutnya,
Dalam kekalutan semua doctors, nurses and us medical students..budak tu memang tak respon langsung. Saturation oxygen 94% mungkin sebab aku bagging. Otot-otot dia memang da lembik habis, tak de tonicity langsung-Not Good. Takde tanda pernafasan spontan. Takde tanda sirkulasi bagus, kaki dia sejuk habis. Parents dia da mundar mandir da naik katil da nak bisik kata2 semangat and bacaan ayat suci kat telinga anak dia.
Ayah dia dengan penuh tangisan air mata, usap rambut anak dia sambil panggil-panggil nama anak dia suruh datang balik..mintak dia bangun. Kalau tak salah nama dia Putri kot..ak sumpah tak ingat. Yang mak dia, muka macam dalam denying state. Tak percaya anak dia yang tadi pagi kat rumah elok je sekarang tengah terbaring atas katil hospital tu, baju tidur yang dia pakai dari rumah da kena gunting sampai bawah untuk memudahkan pemasangan chest lead and other medical actions necessary.
Tak lama lepas tu, doktor Anak panggil doktor dari Neurology Department untuk mengesahkan budak ni..you know..masih dengan kita ke tak. Aku perhatikan je la, si doktor Neuro ni buat macam-macam test kat budak ni nak check reflex dia ada lagi tak. Suluh lampu kat mata dia untuk check reflex pupil...midriasis maximal kanan, kiri belum full. Again, not good. Tangan aku time ni tak yah cerita la penat dia macam mana. Tapi aku tak berhenti sebab..harapan keluarga dia..berat weyh.
Doktor Neuro tadi sambil tu sempat kepochi sambil menunjuk ke rantai hitam yang ada kat leher budak tu. Diorang cakap- 'Oh mungkin gara-gara ini'.
Amende doe? Aku dari tadi bagging budak tu, tak perasan pulak..ingat rantai biasa je. Rupanya tangkal. OMG.
Aku tak tau budak tu survive ke tak. Sebab jam 7.00 malam aku beralih tangan ke team lepas aku. Dia sambung bagging. And aku tak tanya, mungkin sebab a part of me macam dah guess she wouldnt make it. Tapi aku takkan lupa bapak and ibu budak tu. Bapak dia meleleh-leleh air mata merayu aku tau tak if ada rumah anak yatim mana-mana dia nak mintak diorang doakan anak dia. And mak dia, tanya-tanya ke aku anak dia macam mane. Dia still berharap anak dia selamat and sempat ikut ujian apa tah. Its weird to mention your child's exam when she's clearly battling a losing battle.
Apa yang ko dapat dari cerita aku?
Manusia tu lemah wey. Dari awal, cerita kita bukan kita karang. Dari bapak dia, kita nampak that in times of desperation, kita akan cuba macam-macam cara untuk cari penyelesaian or any consolations to soothe our hearts. And dari mak dia? Mak dia kaku sangat, muka tak basah dengan air mata pun, just kerutan kebimbangan sikit je kat muka dia. Tapi tak bermakna mak dia kurang merasakan kesedihan berbanding bapak dia. We can never truly know what goes in other peoples hearts or minds. Dia tak tunjuk, tapi dalam hati dia sapa tau dah hancur berapa juta keping? She still showed hope for her daughter.
Nampak tak? Patient pediatrics memang lagi pressure dari patient geriatrics. Diorang masih muda, masih penuh dengan harapan keluarga.
Detik Terakhir Si Bapak Tua
Bila kali pertama aku tengok orang meninggal depan mata aku?
Semestinya aku takkan lupa.
Hari tu aku bertugas 24 jam kalau tak salah di bahagian Ob&Gyn. Or ER bahagian sakit puan la or ibu-ibu yang kesulitan nak bersalin. ObGyn ni kalau takde patient melangut la lu kat luar pintu dia jadah tak buat apa selain menyemak macam kutu jalan.
Ditakdirkan Tuhan, haritu memang takde patient. Aku pun duduk la kat tempat yang memang disediakan oleh pihak hospital untuk menghargai penat lelah kami which is-LANTAI.
Aku terpandang kat satu bapak ni dek kelantangan suara dia..katil dia depan ObGyn. Dia sangat mengamuk-ngamuk tak tentu pasal. Anak dia cuba nak suap makanan and pasang selimut. Tapi dia tepis-tepis anak dia. Tapi anak dia dengan penuh kesabaran still layan bapak dia.
Serious weyh...diorang sikit pun tak hilang angin dengan dia. Bapak dia complained selimut dia tak best, si anak terus tanya nurses mana nak dapat selimut baru nak ganti.
Aku pandang masa tu dengan takde perasaan pun. Macam tengok something yang biasa.
Tak lama lepas tu aku da sibuk sendiri..sampai pukul 4 pagi maybe..aku tak ingat.
TERKEJUT-aku tengok para doktor and nurses and several medical student da kerumun katil bapak tu, ada yang naik katil and dengan gigih CPR bapak tu. Yang si anak-anak da muka cam nak nangis, ada yang mula teresak-esak sebab da macam bole agak bapak dia nak pergi.
Allah Maha Esa- bapak tu meninggal akhirnya. Anak-anak dia da meraung-raung mintak bapak dia balik la..jangan tinggalkan diorang..diorang nangis sampai baring kat lantai.
Sedih wey.
TAPI- cuba bayangkan kalau anak-anak dia tadi kurang ajar or tak layan bapak dia mintak apa. Kau rasa air mata diorang nanti air mata sedih or serba salah or terkilan? Tanggungjawab kita ke ibu bapa tu forever babe, berbudi ke diorang sampai diorg on their deathbeds. Aku personally belajar banyak dari kejadian ni. Aku bersyukur and kagum anak-anak dia sikit pun tak angin dengan bapak dia, because we never know when is someone last few seconds on Earth.
Cuba ko bayangkan if anak-anak dia macam harey jadah and kurang ajar or hilang marah kat bapak dia? Menyesal tak if rupanya tak lama lepas tu dia nak pergi selamanya..rupa-rupanya.
Sebab aku pernah nampak anak seorang patient kat red zone..suruh ganti pampers bapak dia..dia lari sambil tutup hidung..konon geli, pass2 kat kami suruh kami je lah yang buat. Aku rasa bapak dia dengar anak perempuan dia cakap ape, hancur wey hati mak bapak yang da cuci taik kau masa kecik sekarang ko bajet geli pulak. Allah tu Maha Berkuasa- ditakdirkan patient tu meninggal tak lama lepas tu.
Boleh ko bandingkan kedua-dua cerita ni? Apa yang ko dapat?
Ada banyak lagi...tapi aku mengantuk nak sambung. Hope anyone yang terbaca post aku yang panjang nak mampos ni, akan belajar sesuatu.
Welcome to the Hospital, where the best lessons of life are taught daily.
Wednesday, 26 April 2017
The Game of Life
I dont know how to start this post, LOL. I mean, should I start with the usual greetings of Hi and Hello to God knows who.
But in case anyone's reading this...Hello to you and I hope that the day you are reading this, is actually a good day to you.
Anyway, I am kinda surprised that this is actually my first post for the year 2017, and 2017 has already began long time ago, its already the endings of April. And its a lil bit sad because I started this blog with much enthusiasm and now it seems like I only have one post per year. And I freaking love writing, so its such a shame that I went on hiatus with this blog. But I still do write, I write on my Instagram, my journal and mostly in my brain, which explains why I am easily zoned out 98% of all time.
The thing about me is, I am no rules abiding or strategy planning person, so I write like how my heart wants it and how the idea flows. I have the tendency of letting everything runs wild, and come to fix it later, if, it actually needs some fixing.
I guess, I just want to write about life, because I owe it to Life, everything I am today. And when was the last time I actually ever sat down and thank God for Life, even when Life sucks (like fucking majority of the time).
So, this post is about you, Life. I am writing at this very moment, to celebrate the complicated entity which is Life.
Right now,the Internet world is taken over by a Netflix show called '13 Reasons Why'. You literally couldn't be spared from seeing it all over your social media, hell, the last time I saw this phenomenon happening was when One Direction took over 2/3 of the world's population. We all obsessed over them, and now '13 Reasons Why' has come to rule over the planet. Just dont resist, and come aboard on the already overloaded bandwagon.
'13 Reasons Why' isnt like any other, It brings forward the issues that we, as the society, always try to bury in our backyards. It celebrates the very issues we got scared of discussing openly, often we shy away from them. I mean, are SUICIDE, RAPE, BULLYING, DEPRESSION, SEX (everything about sex..be it sexual orientations, sexual appeals and etc) topics that are comfortably discussed at a tea party?
But we have to start learning and accepting. Learn that it is happening to almost everybody, and how bad it is and how distraught a person must be to take his/her own life. We have gotta tone down on the judgement, and maybe, like one of the characters, namely Alex Standall says- We have gotta stop being dicks to each other.
Anyhow, I am not turning this post into '13 Reasons Why' review, which can abundantly be found on the Internet. I am just recording how much the show has affected me, how it has become the penknife that slashed open my heart, in the best way I know of..which is writing.
I remember when I was 15. It was the both the highest and lowest point of my life. I learned how it felt to be suicidal and so disappointed in Life. I hated God at that time. I remembered taking a walk and cursing God with all the bad vocabularies I knew and even looking up to the sky and shouting quietly (if u get the irony) in my heart that I did not wish for God anymore and I wanted to prove that I could live on my own, but of course that didnt last very long because I realized what a fool I was because everything I was at that time was only possible because of God. Like how the hell could I survived trying to live alone, when even the atmosphere or the cells in my body were gifts from God?
So I grew up, and stopped blaming God. But I found a new target instead to devote my anger, my disappointment to- ME myself.
My body, my soul, my brain and everything about me were (and sometimes till today) the new favorite dartboard for me to throw onto every resentment I have about Life. It took me years to learn to accept that this is me. I learned to accept, though bits by bits slowly, that my face will always look like this. That I cant sing, or that I have a problem with letting people in my life. That I have trust issues.
They say love is the one thing we need in life. I personally feel Faith is the better choice than Love, but whatever. I have lived the days when Love abandoned me..and its very possible to live without Love. Hell, I didnt even love me at that time. But Faith, kept me from becoming the kid that killed herself.
So, there you go Life. I may not be your strongest or most brilliant player in your game, but I am definitely staying- until the End.
Thursday, 15 December 2016
Ode to 2016
The year 2016 is soon going to bid its farewell to us. God knows what 2017 has in store for us. And for the umpteenth time, am i going to let this year be closing with the same old thought of "What the hell have i been doing with my life?". I do not wish to live life just standing still and watching life passing by as just another day goes by another day, and suddenly a damned whole year will soon end.
The truth is, I dont think I have wasted my whole 2016, I mean, I did accomplish few things, but my abysmal consistency in life did drowned my head lots more than I could count with my whole set of twenty fingers. Its like I drowned so many times, but several times I did manage to resurface.
I would be lying to say I felt nothing about the way I lived my life. I felt remorse, depressed, disappointed and ashamed altogether mixed in a giant bowl of Why Do I Let Myself Become a Loser? But I guess I died so many times that eventually I always failed to maintain feeling something about my life for more than twenty minutes.
So, 2016 is the year when:
-my cat Itam died after fighting a stupid evil venomous snake. He saved my family from that snake and was martyred instead. He was a hero, everybody cried for him. I am gonna miss him always.
-I managed to pass the depressing test PANUM and got myself to join the KoAss/Dokter Muda bandwagon
-My body dysmorphia disorder just escalated and seems to know no stop sign. There was never a time when I do not fill my head with thoughts of wanting to get thin, and God I hate my body. I am forever 24 hours always scared of how many calories i put in my body. I have given up on sweetened and colored drinks now, I only drink plain water. But when you cut down your food, then along came the nemesis called 'craving'. I am weak, I gave in to craving and binge ate food. I am ashamed and embarassed to be seen eating foods, so I usually seek for place where I wont likely to find anybody and eat foods. When I have satisfied my stupid cravings, I purged. One time, I purged till it hurt my stomach so bad I want to faint. But I felt cleansed each time I purged. Sick, I know. I am planning to do Atkins as soon as 2017 set in.
-My love for my family just get stronger and stronger. I hope we stay as one unit forever.
-I survived lots of shits and didnt lose faith and hope.
The truth is, I dont think I have wasted my whole 2016, I mean, I did accomplish few things, but my abysmal consistency in life did drowned my head lots more than I could count with my whole set of twenty fingers. Its like I drowned so many times, but several times I did manage to resurface.
I would be lying to say I felt nothing about the way I lived my life. I felt remorse, depressed, disappointed and ashamed altogether mixed in a giant bowl of Why Do I Let Myself Become a Loser? But I guess I died so many times that eventually I always failed to maintain feeling something about my life for more than twenty minutes.
So, 2016 is the year when:
-my cat Itam died after fighting a stupid evil venomous snake. He saved my family from that snake and was martyred instead. He was a hero, everybody cried for him. I am gonna miss him always.
-I managed to pass the depressing test PANUM and got myself to join the KoAss/Dokter Muda bandwagon
-My body dysmorphia disorder just escalated and seems to know no stop sign. There was never a time when I do not fill my head with thoughts of wanting to get thin, and God I hate my body. I am forever 24 hours always scared of how many calories i put in my body. I have given up on sweetened and colored drinks now, I only drink plain water. But when you cut down your food, then along came the nemesis called 'craving'. I am weak, I gave in to craving and binge ate food. I am ashamed and embarassed to be seen eating foods, so I usually seek for place where I wont likely to find anybody and eat foods. When I have satisfied my stupid cravings, I purged. One time, I purged till it hurt my stomach so bad I want to faint. But I felt cleansed each time I purged. Sick, I know. I am planning to do Atkins as soon as 2017 set in.
-My love for my family just get stronger and stronger. I hope we stay as one unit forever.
-I survived lots of shits and didnt lose faith and hope.
Wednesday, 16 November 2016
A Letter to God
Alhamdulillah, puji syukur kat Allah for giving me today. This day im living as a fifth year medical student who is currently interning in her fourth lab; Pediatrics. Today im sitting comfortably on my super comfortable bed with a happy tummy, with a purpose to wake up to each day.
Bukan selalu dapat peluang untuk duduk and terkenangkan all the simple little things we always take for granted. Benda-benda yang selalu Allah bagi. Macam jari jemari yang sempurna untuk taip, wifi yang ok untuk buat kerja, or masa lapang untuk buat apa saja kita suka. Atau telinga yang dapat dengar bunyi guruh and hujan.
Life is truly lots of things. Life is a gift, life is also penjara bagi orang beriman. Betul, terpulang pada kitalah macam mana cara kita memilih untuk memandangnya, pilihan kita untuk jadi hamba kehidupan atau bersikeras mencorakkan hidup, take control and not drown in the many days of each passing years,
Aku dah melalui 3 labs which are Forensic, ENT, Obgyn and now currently my fourth lab is Pediatrics. Memang jalan ku masih panjang dan jauh, tapi setidaknya ak bersyukut at least aku sihat dan berjaya menghabiskan kesemua lab tu tanpa masalah besar or panjang.
Tentunya setiap lab offers me different but valuable lessons, be it a lesson of life or a chance to deepen my medical competencies. I am scared, jujur aku cakap aku sangat takut dan selalu lemas dalam keraguan. Im always in doubt of my own potentials. Tak jarang aku selalu kecewa dan marahkan diri sendiri sebab slow learner, selalu teragak-agak or tak sepandai kawan-kawan lain. Rasa marah mana perginya ilmu yang selama ni aku baca sebelum bergelar Dokter Muda? Apa yang aku dah buat dengan waktu?
Dear Allah, aku mengaku aku sesungguhnya bukan seorang hamba yang baik. Aku selalu nak macam-macam tapi jarang aku usaha betul-betul dan sering kalah dengan indah madu palsu dunia. Aku nak kurus supaya boleh pakai baju cantik-cantik, aku sering tertanya-tanya dan berfikir tentang macam mana rasanya disukai lelaki, semua yang Allah suruh jauhkan..semua pernah bersarang kat otak. Jujurnya kalau aku mati besok, memang confirm dah ada pre-booked exclusive seat for me in neraka jahannam.
Maafkan aku Allah, aku pun tak faham kenapa aku lembik lemah macam ni. Tak kuat langsung lawan lah sikit dunia ni! Maafkan aku Allah unutk kesekian kalinya, aku pun dah malu tak terkata, dah tak tahu nak letak muka di mana..asyik mohon keampunan, i keep on begging for one more chance, one more night for me to sleep in and wake up alive the next day. Tapi semurah sifat rahmah Allah bagi aku semua tu, ssemudah lagi hati busuk dan jahat aku ni kembali lemah melayang-layang dalam pelukan dunia.
Aku sayang keluarga aku, mereka tentunya salah satu nikmat terbaik Allah dah bagi. Allah, kalau masih ada sisa kebaikan yang aku lakukan, hambaMu yang kotor hina ni takut kalau disebabkan sekarat parahnya dosa dan kekotoran hati ku menyebabkan ibadah aku tak diterima, aku mohon Allah, pindahkan pahala ke ibu bapa and adik adik ku. Mudahkan urusan mereka. Semoga takde seorang dari mereka pun jadi macam aku.
Aku lah musuh ketat diriku sendiri, aku lah the Mr.Hyde to my own Dr.Jekyll. I have only myself for my own company, but my own self is also the destructing force of everything inside me. Aku takkan bahagia, aku malah sudah terbiasa membenci diri sendiri, mungkin kerana terbiasa atau lebih memilih benci dari mencipta kebahagiaan untuk diri sendiri. Sebab aku tak layak untuk satu ounce pun segala perkara baik or kebahagiaan dalam dunia ni, apatah lagi rahmah Allah.
I hope dear God, i hope Allah tak benci dan putuskan aku dari Mu. If not, at least save my family.
Bukan selalu dapat peluang untuk duduk and terkenangkan all the simple little things we always take for granted. Benda-benda yang selalu Allah bagi. Macam jari jemari yang sempurna untuk taip, wifi yang ok untuk buat kerja, or masa lapang untuk buat apa saja kita suka. Atau telinga yang dapat dengar bunyi guruh and hujan.
Life is truly lots of things. Life is a gift, life is also penjara bagi orang beriman. Betul, terpulang pada kitalah macam mana cara kita memilih untuk memandangnya, pilihan kita untuk jadi hamba kehidupan atau bersikeras mencorakkan hidup, take control and not drown in the many days of each passing years,
Aku dah melalui 3 labs which are Forensic, ENT, Obgyn and now currently my fourth lab is Pediatrics. Memang jalan ku masih panjang dan jauh, tapi setidaknya ak bersyukut at least aku sihat dan berjaya menghabiskan kesemua lab tu tanpa masalah besar or panjang.
Tentunya setiap lab offers me different but valuable lessons, be it a lesson of life or a chance to deepen my medical competencies. I am scared, jujur aku cakap aku sangat takut dan selalu lemas dalam keraguan. Im always in doubt of my own potentials. Tak jarang aku selalu kecewa dan marahkan diri sendiri sebab slow learner, selalu teragak-agak or tak sepandai kawan-kawan lain. Rasa marah mana perginya ilmu yang selama ni aku baca sebelum bergelar Dokter Muda? Apa yang aku dah buat dengan waktu?
Dear Allah, aku mengaku aku sesungguhnya bukan seorang hamba yang baik. Aku selalu nak macam-macam tapi jarang aku usaha betul-betul dan sering kalah dengan indah madu palsu dunia. Aku nak kurus supaya boleh pakai baju cantik-cantik, aku sering tertanya-tanya dan berfikir tentang macam mana rasanya disukai lelaki, semua yang Allah suruh jauhkan..semua pernah bersarang kat otak. Jujurnya kalau aku mati besok, memang confirm dah ada pre-booked exclusive seat for me in neraka jahannam.
Maafkan aku Allah, aku pun tak faham kenapa aku lembik lemah macam ni. Tak kuat langsung lawan lah sikit dunia ni! Maafkan aku Allah unutk kesekian kalinya, aku pun dah malu tak terkata, dah tak tahu nak letak muka di mana..asyik mohon keampunan, i keep on begging for one more chance, one more night for me to sleep in and wake up alive the next day. Tapi semurah sifat rahmah Allah bagi aku semua tu, ssemudah lagi hati busuk dan jahat aku ni kembali lemah melayang-layang dalam pelukan dunia.
Aku sayang keluarga aku, mereka tentunya salah satu nikmat terbaik Allah dah bagi. Allah, kalau masih ada sisa kebaikan yang aku lakukan, hambaMu yang kotor hina ni takut kalau disebabkan sekarat parahnya dosa dan kekotoran hati ku menyebabkan ibadah aku tak diterima, aku mohon Allah, pindahkan pahala ke ibu bapa and adik adik ku. Mudahkan urusan mereka. Semoga takde seorang dari mereka pun jadi macam aku.
Aku lah musuh ketat diriku sendiri, aku lah the Mr.Hyde to my own Dr.Jekyll. I have only myself for my own company, but my own self is also the destructing force of everything inside me. Aku takkan bahagia, aku malah sudah terbiasa membenci diri sendiri, mungkin kerana terbiasa atau lebih memilih benci dari mencipta kebahagiaan untuk diri sendiri. Sebab aku tak layak untuk satu ounce pun segala perkara baik or kebahagiaan dalam dunia ni, apatah lagi rahmah Allah.
I hope dear God, i hope Allah tak benci dan putuskan aku dari Mu. If not, at least save my family.
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